I was very close to spitting my bubblegum in my father’s hair today–or rather what little hair he has left. I am at my wits end with his egotism, anger, cruelty, manipulation, hatred, and general maliciousness. He peppers it with acts of appeasement– like any great dictator. However, a woman/girl with a fiery Irish fury trapped in the vortex of the emotional maturity of a 15-year-old can take only so much. Thus, my desire to enact a vengeance worthy of my favorite prepubescent girl detective Harriet the Spy. If y’all will recall she spat her gum in the hair of her former bff Janie’s hair. That was to be my plan of attack until I realized that I am the only person who chews bubblegum. While it is ideal that the target of one’s vengeance know that he/she is being punished for wickedness…you should not be caught in your own gummy mess. For now, it is back to the drawing boards.

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